#1. Oh, and it’s the 166th day of the year.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
— tina (@tinatbh) July 17, 2015
#2. This wishful thinking…;
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 5, 2015
#3. …;and this sad realization.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) October 28, 2015
#4. Who isn’t?
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 17, 2015
#5. When you’ve fallen for that ol’ trick before.
Me to baby: Say Dada!
Husband: You don’t want her first word to be Mama?
Me: Hell no! The other 2 won’t leave me alone. This one’s yours.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) March 24, 2015
#6. Who knew?
FYI you can’t snooze the baby monitor
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 20, 2015
#7. Babies can be so cruel.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) September 12, 2015
#8. They’re just like puppies, right?
HER: HAVE YOU SEEN THE BABY?!?
ME: If he loves you, he’ll come back.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) September 22, 2015
#9. Small victories.
Some people have painted the Sistine Chapel. Others built pyramids. I once moved a baby from the car to a crib without the baby waking up.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 4, 2015
#10. You keep it, doc.
Dr: Would you like to hold ur baby?
[flashback to when someone handed me a burrito & it slipped from my hands to the floor]
Me: that’s ok
— Meowrin (@marinhubka) September 14, 2015
#11. Proof that infants are just tiny, drunk adults.
Babies hit the bottle all night, poop their pants, puke, don’t work, don’t pay rent…; Reminds me of a drunken roommate I evicted.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) November 15, 2014
#12. The ultimate game of chance.
Is it me or does burping a baby feel like russian roulette with vomit?
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) January 29, 2014
#13. This totally valid point.
why do baby’s clothes need pockets? what do they carry around? baby wallets? fuck off
— Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) May 26, 2014
#14. 10% tweeting about your experiences.
Parenting a newborn:
50% changing diapers
80% becoming so sleep deprived that you forget how to do basic math
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 24, 2015
#15. Nine months of preparation won’t help you.
The hardest yoga position is the one where you spread your legs, push push push and a baby comes out
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) June 2, 2015
#16. It’s uncanny.
Friend: “Your baby looks so much like you.”
Me: [food all over my face]
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) October 21, 2015
(Sees Facebook picture of a crush from middle school holding her second newborn)
“I guess it’s really over between us.”
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) August 30, 2015
#18. Well, we weren’t expecting that.
dad: his first word!
dad: yes cmon say ‘dada’
baby: ..down with heteronormativity and the fragility of masculinity
— john (@Scarlet4UrMa) January 10, 2016
#19. When dinner time gets serious.
*slides note to baby* IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR NOSE AGAIN EAT ALL YOUR VEGETABLES AT DINNER TIME. WE ARE NOT FUCKING AROUND.
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) August 6, 2013
#20. That’s one sticky baby.
I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.
— The Cisco Kid (@TheCiscoKidder) August 30, 2015
#21. Hipsters are everywhere.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 15, 2015
#22. Sounds about right.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) October 17, 2012
#23. If babies could order their own food.
Waiter: and for sir?
Baby: [closes menu] bring me your finest tits
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) August 28, 2015
#24. The unexpected joys of parenting.
Another surprise benefit of having a baby is using my new swaddling skills to roll a tight, tight burrito.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 24, 2015
#25. Aww, man.
Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi?
Ma’am, that’s a crockpot.
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) April 8, 2014